we made out on top of his cat.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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