Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
