Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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