my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
