i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
