apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
