I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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