When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
