I hate your face
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
