you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
