When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
