Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
