Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
