even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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