All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You were trust falling into bushes
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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