apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
