I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
