The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
