My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
