Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
