I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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