I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
