I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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