and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
