He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
