my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Semen is not good for contacts.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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