I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
