i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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