apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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