I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
