Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
