Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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