Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
