I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize