I wish I could punch you in the face.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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