The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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