i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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