The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
