The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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