3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
