so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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