I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
