I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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