You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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