So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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