we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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