fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize