I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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