I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
