Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
