i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
