my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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