rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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