Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
