Four minutes until I can fart!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
