He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize