i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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