It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
