Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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