My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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