its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
